Of Tails and Trysts
by MercTaf
Summary: A tale of mistaken identity, bizarre love triangles, and kinky mutant sex. Kurt/Logan.


Title: Of Tails and Trysts   
  
Author: Mercuria Stardust  
  
Concept: Tafadhali  
  
Editor: Tafadhali (and a bit of proofreading by Mercuria)  
  
Rating: PG-13 for language and sexual situations  
  
Pairing: Kurt/Logan  
  
Warning(s): Somewhat AU, slash, pointlessness, incorrectly capitalized stammering  
  
Archive: Ask, and ye shall receive. (Not like we think anybody'll wanna archive this.)  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own X-Men. Tafadhali doesn't own X-Men. I don't own any of the characters. Tafadhali doesn't own any of the characters. Pattern? Yes, GOOD bright children.  
  
Author's Notes: It came to us in a dream. Well, actually, it came to Taf at a party. Hi, Merc here, and on behalf of myself and Tafadhali, I just wanna say that Taf and I acknowledge that this is quite possibly the most pointless thing we've ever written. Therefore, any reviews remarking upon this story's pointlessness will be fed to my pet dragon, Durga. Damn you constructive critics! (THAT WAS A JOKE. DO NOT HURT US. WE LOVE CRITICS.)  
  
Have fun!  
  
********  
  
Logan realized with a start that although he had been thinking about the unattainable but desperately desired Jean Grey, his eyes had been glued to Kurt Wagner the entire time. Kurt was staring back at him; he looked puzzled, but not angry or suspicious.   
  
Wow. This was pretty awkward.  
  
Finding his voice, Logan said, "Er, thanks for saving Rogue. I- that kid means a lot to me."  
  
Kurt smiled gently.   
  
"I was glad to help," he said. It struck Logan as odd that the soft voice, with its distinct German accent, could come from that demonic form.  
  
Well, maybe "demonic" was a bit of an unfair adjective. Sure, Kurt had fangs. And a forked tail. And maybe he was supposed to have a few more fingers and toes. All the same, there was something about him that Logan could only describe as ... beautiful. Perhaps it was the soft, inviting look of the fur covering his body. Or the tranquility shining in his eyes. He had some nice muscles too, maybe ...  
  
Logan gave himself a good mental smack. Fantasizing about the blue guy with the tail?! He was definitely not going down THAT road.   
  
'Jean Grey,' he thought, angry with himself. 'I like JEAN GREY.'  
  
Seeing that Kurt's eyes were once more upon him, Logan growled and stomped off. Kurt frowned, very confused and a little bit hurt.  
  
*******  
  
THAT NIGHT ...  
  
Logan grimaced as the body of Jean Grey melted and changed above him, turning from peach and yielding to blue and scaly.   
  
Oh, great. Mystique.  
  
'I KNEW it was too good to be true,' Logan thought. 'Dammit.'  
  
"Get off me!" he growled, shoving Mystique away.  
  
Mystique smirked.  
  
"You don't want the Grey woman?" she teased. "Well, what do you want? Maybe the person you've been staring at all day ..."  
  
And with that, her hair turned dark, her fingers melted together and became paws, and a tail flicked out to caress Logan's cheek.   
  
"How's this, mein herr?" asked Kurt's voice.  
  
Despite himself, Logan felt his jaw drop. He licked his lips, then swallowed hard as he began to get ... uncomfortable. Wink wink, nudge nudge.  
  
"Hel-lo!" Mystique said, glancing up at the narration uneasily. "That was supposed to be a joke ... I didn't really think- ugh, I hate being right."  
  
She glared at Logan, looking betrayed.  
  
"Well, now that I know which team YOU bat for," she huffed, storming out of the tent. Logan was left alone, confused and more than slightly aroused.   
  
'M-me and ... and Kurt?! But I don't- Jean Grey, dammit, JEAN GREY.'  
  
"Um, Logan?" came Kurt's voice. "Are you all right?"  
  
Kurt hesitantly pulled back the tent flap and stuck his head in.  
  
"I heard a disturbance ..."  
  
Logan eyed him suspiciously. At first, he had been sure that it was the real Kurt, but he wasn't so stupid that he'd fall for the same trick twice. Mystique was seriously underestimating him if she thought he'd sleep with her after stunts like this.   
  
And yet ...  
  
How long had it been since he'd gotten any? Logan was alarmed to realize that he couldn't remember having sex ... at all. Ever.  
  
In light of this, maybe it wouldn't hurt to pretend, just for one night ... that way he'd be getting sex, Mystique would be getting sex, he wouldn't have to look at Mystique while having sex, and Kurt would never have to know.  
  
"Logan?" Kurt was saying. "Er, perhaps I should go now ..."  
  
Logan grinned; Mystique was really acting the part. He stood up, licked his lips, and pushed "Kurt" to the ground.  
  
"Logan!" Kurt protested. Logan cut him off with a brutal kiss-  
  
-and Kurt disappeared.   
  
Logan blinked. If Mystique really wanted to sleep with him, why would she ...  
  
Uh-oh.  
  
Stumbling to his feet, Logan dashed out of his tent.  
  
"Kurt!" he yelled. "Kurt, I can explain that!"  
  
But Kurt was nowhere to be seen.  
  
**********  
  
Kurt- who was most definitely the real Kurt- reappeared on the opposite edge of the campsite, breathing hard.  
  
"Wh-what was that?!" he gasped, glancing back at Logan's tent apprehensively.   
  
"Storm?" he called softly. "Storm, I need your help ... Storm?"  
  
A nearby tent flap opened, and Ororo strode out, ducking her head slightly at the entrance.   
  
"Kurt," she said in concern, "what's wrong?"  
  
Kurt blushed as he thought of Logan's body pressed up against his.  
  
"Um ... well, I would really rather not say ..." Kurt began.  
  
"Kurt!" Logan growled from several yards off. "Kurt, just let me explain!"  
  
"Hide me," Kurt whimpered, teleporting into Ororo's tent.   
  
"Don't step on Jean!" Ororo hissed.   
  
Kurt nodded, sidestepping the sleeping form. He put a finger to his lips and gestured towards Logan's rapidly approaching shadow.   
  
"Kurt!" called Logan. Then, quietly, "Dammit, Kurt, just come out ..."  
  
Noticing Ororo, Logan said, "You seen the blue guy around here anywhere?"  
  
Ororo shook her head. Logan sniffed the air suspiciously.  
  
"I think I smell him ..." he said.  
  
"Hm?! Um, no, I don't think so," Ororo said, thinking quickly. "Kurt was here earlier, but I haven't seen him recently. His scent must be lingering."  
  
Not at all pleased by this answer, Logan snarled and stalked off.  
  
Kurt poked his head out and hissed, "Is he gone?"  
  
Ororo nodded, and Kurt appeared beside her.  
  
"Thank you," he said softly. "Now, when do you think he'll be back? Perhaps I should find a nice tree to hide in tonight ..."  
  
Ororo placed a hand on Kurt's shoulder.  
  
"Kurt," she said gently, "you can't hide from your problems. If there's something going on between you and Logan-"  
  
Kurt blushed; Ororo noticed it with interest and continued.  
  
"Then you need to talk about it. Don't be afraid; Logan will listen to you."  
  
"I hope so," Kurt muttered miserably.  
  
**********  
  
Mystique smirked over at the distraught Logan- and then glared at Kurt as he hesitantly made his way out from behind Storm's tent.  
  
'So, Wolverine has ... feelings ... for little Nightcrawler. Damn that blue freak. I'M blue, why doesn't Wolverine want ME? Why waste his time chasing that ... that BOY, when it's obvious that he's terrified of-'  
  
And suddenly, Mystique got an idea. A wonderfully malicious idea. She looked around to make sure that Logan was nowhere in sight, then stealthily approached Kurt.  
  
'If Nightcrawler is afraid of a little intimacy,' she thought with a wicked grin, 'then I'll give him the fright of his life!'  
  
*********  
  
A hand tapped Kurt on the shoulder; he spun around.  
  
"L-L-Logan!" he cried, fighting the urge to teleport behind the nearest tree.  
  
"Kurt," Logan purred into his ear. Kurt went absolutely still, wide, frightened eyes watching Logan nervously.   
  
"S-Storm said that- I mean, I want to talk to you," Kurt stammered.  
  
Logan grinned, running a hand down Kurt's back and stopping at the waist.  
  
"Talk all you want," he murmured. Kurt's tail gave a spastic twitch.  
  
"You're making me uncomfortable," Kurt squeaked.  
  
Logan smirked, moving his hand lower and lower ...   
  
... and he pinched.  
  
Kurt leapt back with a yelp and teleported away just before his momentum carried him into a tree.  
  
"Logan's" eyes glowed golden in the darkness.  
  
********  
  
Kurt dove into the first tent he saw, which happened to be Rogue's. She, John, and Bobby were playing poker, and did not appreciate the intrusion.   
  
"Hey!" John snapped. "Watch it! You're getting our chips all mixed up together!"  
  
"I'm sorry!" Kurt apologized quickly, backing up several inches. Rogue noticed his agitation with concern. Bobby noticed too, and gave John a look as he picked up the poker chips.  
  
"Kurt," Rogue said, "what's wrong?"  
  
Kurt stared intently at the ground.  
  
"Nothing," he said lamely. "I'm just ... having a difficult evening."  
  
"We heard somebody yell," Bobby said. "Was that you?"  
  
Kurt nodded. John looked at him curiously.  
  
"So what was it about?" he pressed.  
  
Kurt blushed and shook his head.  
  
"C'mon, you can tell us," said John. Bobby hit him.  
  
"Does he look like he wants to talk about it?" he whispered fiercely.   
  
"Please tell us, Kurt?" Rogue pleaded, curious as well.  
  
Kurt hesitated.  
  
"Well ..." he said slowly. "Your friend Logan has been ... how shall I put this ... um, very ROMANTIC-"  
  
"He's been HITTING on you?!" Rogue squeaked.  
  
Kurt nodded, looking quite miserable.  
  
"What did he say?" John wanted to know. This inquiry earned him another whack from Bobby.  
  
"Can't you see that he's a total wreck?" Bobby demanded.  
  
"Oh no!" cried Rogue, pointing towards a silhouette against the tent fabric. "Logan's coming!"  
  
Kurt dove beneath Rogue's sleeping bag, which John promptly sat on to further disguise him.   
  
*********  
  
Logan heard a muffled shriek and a thump, followed by a hiss and a slapping noise. Beneath it all, he thought he could just make out Kurt's voice urging people to keep quiet.  
  
He narrowed his eyes.  
  
'He's in Rogue's tent,' he thought.  
  
Logan dashed to the tent and launched himself inside. Rogue, John, and Bobby shrieked and threw their poker hands down.  
  
"Where is he?" Logan growled, fixing Bobby and John with one of his most terrifying glares.  
  
"Nowhere!" they both squeaked, pulling their blankets up to their chins.  
  
"R-Really, we haven't seen anybody," Rogue said nervously. John and Bobby nodded emphatically.   
  
Logan gave John and Bobby a look, conspicuously bypassing Rogue.   
  
"I can smell him," he snarled. John and Bobby shrunk back. "You're sitting on him, aren't you?"  
  
The sleeping bag shook violently. Rogue, John, and Bobby exchanged worried looks.  
  
"Er, no we're not!" John said.  
  
"Get off the sleeping bag, kid," Logan growled. John quickly complied, earning him dirty looks from Bobby and Rogue, who stood- or rather, sat- their ground.   
  
Logan rolled his eyes. Rogue and Bobby were sweet, but misguided.  
  
"Look," he said, "just get off him. NOW."  
  
"What are you going to do to him?" Rogue asked anxiously.  
  
Logan rolled his eyes. What was with the melodrama?  
  
"Nothing!" he said exasperatedly. "I just want to explain what happened in my tent ..."  
  
The sleeping bag twitched.  
  
"Oh, yeah," John said. "What did happen? Kurt's not talki-"  
  
Bobby elbowed him in the ribs.  
  
"Idiot," he hissed. "We're not supposed to admit that he's here!"  
  
"But Logan KNOWS-" John protested.  
  
"Enough already! Just hand over the blue g-"  
  
Rogue and Bobby hit the ground with a thump; Kurt had vanished once again.  
  
"Jesus Christ, will you stop disappearing on me?!" Logan shouted, almost forgetting to duck as he stormed out of the tent.  
  
*********  
  
Kurt looked down on the campsite from high in a tree. When he saw Logan exit Rogue's tent, he quickly teleported to the farthest tree he could find.  
  
'My God, my God,' he prayed silently as Logan called his name, 'why have you forsaken me?'  
  
Kurt heard leaves crunching below. He tried to teleport away, but realized with a sickening sense of dread that some force was holding his coat's metal buttons (and, more importantly, his zipper) in place. Deciding that dignity was more important than freedom, Kurt remained in the tree.  
  
This did not mean that he wasn't frightened for his life.  
  
'Hail Mary, full of grace,' he thought frantically in German, 'the Lord is with thee. Holy Mary-'  
  
Unfortunately, what was already a bad situation got worse as the same force that controlled his buttons and zipper tugged him out of the tree and left him to hover upside-down several feet off the ground.   
  
'This seems familiar,' he thought, remembering his first encounter with Jean and Ororo.  
  
"You aren't nearly as stealthy as you might like to think, Nightcrawler," a voice drawled.  
  
The inverted face of Eric Lehnsherr appeared in Kurt's line of vision.  
  
"Y-You're Magneto," Kurt managed, in spite of the blood rushing to his head.  
  
"Yes, I am," Eric said. "And unless you'd like to come with me willingly, I advise you to hold on to your buttons, zipper, and whatever loose change you may have on your person."  
  
"What do you want with me?" Kurt asked tremulously.  
  
Eric chuckled.  
  
"No need for dramatics; I do not share your friend Wolverine's amorous intentions. I only want to have a little chat with you."  
  
That didn't sound like too much fun to Kurt, but anything had to be an improvement over his current position.  
  
"All right," he said, "I'll chat with you ... but will you put me down now?"  
  
"My pleasure," Eric smirked. Kurt fell to the ground with a thud.  
  
********  
  
"It all began when I was a young lad in Germany," Eric was saying. Kurt was sitting on Eric's sleeping bag, feeling a strange sense of vertigo. This entire evening was all too surreal. First, Logan had thrown him to the ground and tried to- er, yes ... and then he'd hidden in two different tents, and gotten PINCHED by Logan in between, and now-  
  
"Mr. Wagner, are you listening?" Eric demanded. Kurt suddenly felt like an obstreperous schoolboy.   
  
"Well, to tell the truth, no," he admitted, sitting up straight. "Please begin again."  
  
With a sigh of long-suffering patience, Eric reiterated.  
  
"It all began when I was a young lad in Germany. This was before I realized my mutant capabilities and essential superiority to all living things."  
  
Kurt blinked and nodded.  
  
"Even at that tender age, I observed that the people of my town seemed to ... dislike mutants. I remember once, when a local restaurant owner was revealed to cook his specialty sausage using his mutant abilities, the townspeople became so enraged that they set fire to his home. The violence became so intense that he was forced to leave the country for Poland. And I, being only a small boy, had no idea why."  
  
Eric grinned wryly.  
  
"Now I think I know," he said very quietly, staring off into the distance.  
  
A small cough from Kurt brought him back to reality.  
  
"Anyway, I hope that my inspiring story has shown you what you should do in regards to your clawed companion," Eric said with a smirk.  
  
Kurt blushed.  
  
"C-Companion?!" he cried. "Herr Magneto, I don't think- wait a minute ... 'inspiring'? You have just described the persecution and banishment of an innocent man!"  
  
Eric nodded, gesturing for Kurt to continue. "Which means ...?"  
  
Kurt was stumped.  
  
"Um ... that I ... should move ... to Poland ...?" he guessed.  
  
Eric shook his head in disgust.  
  
"The parallels are simple, really," he said.  
  
"I don't understand what mob violence has to do with-"  
  
"Only that the same may happen to you if you don't have the common sense to seek out a protective mate like the wolverine," Eric said with the deep satisfaction of one who has created an airtight argument. Upon hearing the word "mate", Kurt blushed deeper than ever.  
  
"Why are you telling me this?" he asked.  
  
"Because," Eric said kindly, "I want to get some sleep, Nightcrawler. Your lovesick antics- or, I dare say, sick for want of something else- have been keeping me awake all evening. Just go out there and DO something about it, for God's sake."  
  
Kurt nodded.  
  
"So ... I can leave now?"  
  
"By all means."  
  
***********  
  
Logan poked at the campfire with a stick, feeling very discouraged. Finding Kurt was one thing; getting him to stay in one place for longer than ten seconds was another thing entirely.  
  
What was the guy's problem, anyway? Why had he run away from the prospect of sex in the first place?  
  
'It's enough to drive you crazy,' he thought. 'If he'd just-'  
  
"Logan?"  
  
Logan looked up. Kurt was standing about five feet away, the firelight just bright enough to illuminate his eyes. He stepped forward and smiled shyly at Logan.  
  
"I'm ready to talk to you now, I think," he said.  
  
Logan bit back an "It's about frickin' time," and tried to smile encouragingly.   
  
"All right; let's talk."  
  
************  
  
As Jean Grey, Mystique was lurking just beyond the ring of firelight. She glared at Kurt, eyes flickering gold.  
  
'You're not out of the woods yet, Wagner,' she thought. A pause. 'Well, not literally either ... but you know what I mean!'  
  
She had barely taken a step forward when a voice behind her said, "Now where might you be going in a getup like that?"  
  
Mystique whirled around. "Eric?"  
  
Eric looked her over in amusement.  
  
"You could do them a lot of damage in that body," he said.  
  
"So?" was the unconcerned reply.  
  
Eric's expression was a mixture of condescension, "I-can't-believe-I'm-doing-this", and a faint trace of benevolence.  
  
"Don't you think that the REAL Jean Grey will cause more than her fair share of harm? Flashbacks, regrets, fits of violent rage ..."  
  
"I don't care," Mystique said stubbornly.   
  
Eric narrowed his eyes.  
  
"Well I DO," he said. "This evening has gone on far too long, and I am sick and tired of it. Emphasis on tired. Just let them get on with it, Mystique! There will doubtless be many more opportunities for you to cause trouble ... in the morning."  
  
A thought struck him, and he grinned.  
  
"Besides, you wouldn't want to ruin their little scene for the eager spectators, would you?"  
  
"Spectators?" Mystique was confused. Then a giggle and a rustle of bushes caught her attention.  
  
"Shut up, John!" Rogue's voice hissed.  
  
"Kids, this really isn't polite-" Ororo was saying.  
  
"So go to bed!"   
  
"Oh my God ..." Mystique muttered.  
  
"And Jean WON'T be hearing about this, all right?" someone said.  
  
**********  
  
Now that Logan had Kurt where he wanted him, he was having one hell of a time figuring out what to say. "I find you strangely attractive. Sleep with me," probably wasn't the way to go. And even though Kurt was sitting very still, watching him intently, Logan couldn't shake the feeling that he was about to vanish, and anything that needed to be said must be said AT ONCE.  
  
Also, everyone sans Jean standing in the bushes was sort of putting him on edge.  
  
"Uh, I just wanna apologize for jumpin' ya in my tent," Logan said gruffly. "Mystique seduced me as you-" Here Kurt blinked. "-and so I thought ..."  
  
Kurt's expression suddenly became very sad.  
  
"Ah, I see," he said, fascinated by the fire. "This was all a misunderstanding. You really wanted Mystique? How silly of me to think-"  
  
If Logan had had a beverage, he would have spit it out right there.  
  
"M-Mystique?!" he choked. "You've got to be kidding me! Don't you GET it? The only reason it WORKED at all is because it was you!"  
  
Kurt's eyes widened.  
  
"So ... you really do ..." He blushed yet again. " ... find me ... attractive?"  
  
'Hell yeah!' thought Logan, but what he SAID was, "Yeah, I do. I can't really explain, but there's something about you ... Jesus Christ, will you people get the hell out of here?!"  
  
The last of these heartwarming sentiments was delivered standing up to the surrounding greenery. Rogue, Bobby, John, and Ororo popped up from behind a clump of bushes and waved nervously. (Eric and Mystique had wisely dispersed.)  
  
"Er, hi!" John said. Logan glared.  
  
"Um, I hope we aren't ... interrupting anything ..." Ororo said, smiling rather too broadly.  
  
"Come on, Bobby," Rogue said with the same smile. "Let's GO now ... coming, Storm?"  
  
"Oh, yes! John ... John?"  
  
"So THAT'S what this is all about!" he was saying, feeling very enlightened. "Are you going to have sex?"  
  
Kurt looked incredibly uncomfortable. Rogue and Bobby winced on John's behalf as Logan let out a feral growl.  
  
"I don't see ... how that's any of your business, kid."  
  
John looked at Logan's extended claws anxiously.  
  
"Right!" he said cheerfully. "Of course! Aaaaand I'll be going now ... come ON, guys."  
  
"Remember, Jean DOESN'T find out about this," Ororo warned as she led Rogue, John, and Bobby away.  
  
Kurt blinked as the group departed.  
  
"Ignore them," Logan growled. Then, trying to soften his voice, he said, "About sex ... is it like a religious thing, or do you-"  
  
Kurt smiled.  
  
"Well, I find this whole situation slightly disturbing ... but you ARE cute," Kurt admitted.   
  
Logan grinned as Kurt wrapped both arms around him and teleported.  
  
"I'm taking this as an invitation," Logan said when they reappeared in Kurt's tent.  
  
**********  
  
Jean Grey was having the STRANGEST dreams. In them, Mystique was flirting with Logan as ... Jean, and then as Kurt, and Logan and Mystique both harassed Kurt, and a German restaurant owner was exiled to Poland ...  
  
As Jean did not normally experience such dreams, she immediately suspected, upon waking, that something was up. Especially because she was overwhelmed by the thought, "I hope Jean doesn't find out!" coming from various sources.  
  
A bit of mental probing told Jean everything she wanted to know- and a lot of things she didn't. Her curiosity, however, was sufficiently piqued by her findings; she got out of her sleeping bag and crept to Kurt's tent.   
  
Surprisingly, there was already a sizable group crowded about, watching the silhouetted figures within. Eric and Mystique stood off to one side, Eric doing his best to look bored, and Mystique doing her best to kill Kurt with her eyes. John, Ororo, Rogue, and Bobby were much closer. Rogue and Ororo giggled madly and pointed, while John and Bobby appeared embarrassed, yet morbidly fascinated.   
  
None of them saw Jean coming.  
  
"Let's not tell Jean, huh?" she said softly. Everyone choked.  
  
"J-Jean!" Ororo said. "I didn't know you were up!" Meaning, "How did you know?!"  
  
"They-" A gesture towards the tent. "-woke me." Meaning, "I'm a telepath. Duh."   
  
"But you aren't ..." Ororo chose her words carefully. "Upset?"  
  
Jean paused, then shook her head, then paused again.  
  
"Well, maybe a little ..." she admitted.  
  
"Oh my God!" John exclaimed, pointing. "How is that POSSIBLE?"  
  
Jean, Rogue, and Ororo turned towards the tent eagerly.  
  
"Wow!" Jean whistled. "Didn't know you could do THAT with a tail."  
  
Ororo quickly covered Rogue and Bobby's eyes. Jean followed suit, placing a hand over John's.  
  
"Hey!"  
  
"No fair!"  
  
"YOU get to watch."  
  
"That's enough out of you," Ororo said sternly. "Time to get some rest."  
  
"Tell that to Kurt and Logan," John snickered. "I don't think they'll be sleeping much toni-"  
  
"THEY are adults, and are fully capable of handling themselves-"  
  
"Whoa! I didn't know Kurt had it in him ..."  
  
"-while YOU, young man-"  
  
"I swear they're consulting the Kama Sutra."  
  
"Rogue! Eyes shut!"  
  
And so, gentle reader, we leave this pleasant scene, with all its sex, squabbling, and voyeurism, before the rating becomes too high for this work's publication.  
  
END  
  
********  
  
Mercuria: Um, yes we are aware that we don't know everything about how the mutants' powers work with and against each other (in fact, we'll go out on a limb and say that we know NOTHING) and we're also aware that Mystique is Kurt's mother. You can still tell us these things if you want, but it'll pretty much be wasted review space.  
  
Speaking of which ... review! 


End file.
